Worst Keanu movie ever.  

And I’ve seen him playing some dang weird-crazy roles in some very strange films over the years.  But this one, this one is the worst.  It’s a long, boring drama-tragedy.  There is next to no action, and if it isn’t a drama it’s definitely a romantic-tragedy.

If I were to try to sum it up, I would say it’s a film about men being dicks.  Because they all are, and not just that, but their dicks play a very active part in the “action.”  And that’s not necessarily bad, but we don’t see a single one – put out or shut it out boys!  Keanu plays a married American diamond dealer in Russia, where he starts an affair with a cafe owner.  She, Katya (the absolutely gorgeous Ana Ularu) is pretty much our singular female character; the only others being some prostitutes/Russian mob hussies and the skyped in wife (who is busy with her own business).  Oh, there is Katya’s sister in law, but apart from not ever being seen she’s literally just a character who does town gossip and sends delicious food via the brother…. Described by Katya as “Only good for one thing… cooking.”  

Let us count the ways men are dicks to Katya….

1.  Her over-protective oldest brother won’t let her finish work alone… at first he presented as someone who was having an affair with her, he was so controlling

2.  Her brother’s mates like to get rowdy and show her their (actual) dicks.  Then Keanu kicks them out before they pay the bill, also being a dick.  As Katya says “you think I’ve never seen a dick before?”

3.  Her bro doesn’t like her to wear lipstick (looks like a hussy) or sleep with Americans… the brother feels strongly that she should be marrying some normie called Anton.

4.  Both her brothers and their rowdy mates take the American/Keanu on a bear hunt where they tell him to leave her alone or they will kill him, because Katya should marry Anton.

5. Having begun the affair, Keanu leaves her in the lurch to deal with her judgey town.

6.  Flashback to remember she’s only stuck in this town because a sense of duty saw her come home from her liberated experiences in Australia (Briz-bain) to run the cafe because her Dad died and her brothers are dicks who would burn it down.

7.  Her drunk brothers explain to Keanu that having a sister is like having a daughter, you feel the need to control her, but it’s worse because sometimes sisters say “get fucked.”

8.  Having abandoned her, Keanu realises he’s an idiot and accidentally gave her a key piece of the diamond deal, and thus insists she come to St Petersberg with it so he can maybe do his job properly.

9.  Once there, Keanu smashes her only (shitty) keepsake of him to get out the diamond.

10.  Keanu takes her to a diamond deal… here, and look, I suspect this is the films crowning glory for dickness, she is forced to give the diamond mafia guy a blowjob while his hussy gives Keanu one and the two men look lovingly into each others eyes until they cum, thus becoming Siberian blood brothers.  I mean … seriously.  Sure it’s novel, but just when I thought Katya had suffered enough men being dicks, she has to deal with this two-for deal of dickiness?

11.  Despite this, Katya and Keanu are getting more jiggy and now making plans for the future with all the diamond money… this is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is a bit “OMG this chick so only exists to be Keanu’s hussy and do convenient dick-plot things”

12.  Some sort of Russian FBI/KGB types threaten to kill or rape or both (never made actually clear) Katya if Keanu doesn’t do what they want.

13.  So Keanu does what they want, and the thus mafia is going to hunt Keanu and all his women down.  

14.  So instead of talking to her, Keanu tells her brother to tell Katya that he would have left his wife for her.  Then basically goes into a gunfight and gets killed… I’m sure we’re meant to read that as he did the honourable thing and saved both the wife and Katya… but I just saw it as a man who can’t triumph in his own job, nor make a decision in love.

If you feel you’ve not seen Keanu in enough sex scenes, then this is the film that will catch you up.  There are a lot of them, but they’re not really very explicit… you get a little nipple.  If you dig films where everybody is hopeless at being humans and action heroes, it also has something for you.  But otherwise, honestly, I’d avoid it like the plague.  Unless you want a excellent study on how a modern film can still have such shit roles for women… I mean apart from having a lot of sex with Keanu….although I’m not even sure that was that good now I think about it.

J* gives it 1 star.

PS.  Please don’t think I only enjoy Keanu all sugar and spice and “woh” type nice.  I love him in Bad Batch, where he’s a weird cult leader with a pregnant harem literally wearing tshirts that say “the dream is in me.”  And I dig him in Neon Demon where he’s a suss-as hotel caretaker who preys and pimps upon teenage runaways.
<review written in 2019>